What is essential to busy gal’s wardrobe? Leggings. They are the perfect on-the-go outfit. Leggings look good with everything from Uggs to stilettos. During finals, it’s even acceptable to pair them with your college sweatshirt for style a la Peg Bundy!

However, these devish threads should come with a disclaimer: Stretchy material, winter weather, snacks, and alcohol could make this the ONLY wardrobe item you fit into. Leggings deceive you into thinking that you’re not getting fat because 1)  they are black and  make you feel slimmer and 2) they are stretchy. So after you attack a bowl of chips and guac, leggings … along with willful blindness … deceive you into believing that your clothes are not cutting off your circulation :-/

End result: These fat-enablers leave you feeling like sausage casing in every other ensemble you put together. What’s your response, you revert back to leggings. Vicious cycle.

That said, the other day I thought about deviating from my legging-boot combo by going with jeans. Woof! Huge mistake. After a couple hops, tugs, grease, and a broken nail … I got my jeans on. So not ok. So what’s a girl to do? Buy Jeggings. Jeggings (a.k.a. jean leggings) are the Satanic co-conspirator of leggings. Basically the message of Jeggings is this: If you can’t fit into your True Religion’s or Rock&Republic’s, don’t worry, just cram your ass into a pair of $13 jeggings from Forever 21. How can my ass compete with the cheap comfort of Jeggings? It can’t.

So, my culo, which is rivaling Kim Kardasian’s pre-diet has left me feeling disgusted and betrayed. Who knew these seemingly innocent threads could cause so much destruction?! I see no other logical choice than to end my affair with leggings. I anticipate that my abusive relationship with them will be hard to overcome, so I put together an arsenal of butt-busting techniques.

1. Workout Regime: I HATE working out. Running on a treadmill makes me feel like a hamster. So I have to mix things up to keep me entertained. I’ve resorted to PoleDancing, Kim Kardashian’s: Get in Your Jeans by Friday, belly dancing, and weight training.

2. Eating healthier: This is the tricky one. I live for sweets. Sadly, my life would probably be complete if I had chocolate, caffeine, and Patrón. And my ass would be the circumfrance of a small nation. I’ve tried the supplement Chromatin, which allegedly stops sweet cravings.

3. Drinking: Ohhh the empty calories that are involved in a night of blowing off steam. Here’s a list of the average calories in alcoholic beverages. Ready to throw up your Lean Cuisine? Thought so. My friends and I drink Skinny Bitch’s when we go out. It’s a margarita that light on calories and big on flavor (Silver tequila, club soda, fresh-squeezed lime, splash of Saint Germain). Not a tequila drinker? Try vodka water and bring out a Crystal Light packet–only 5 calories to turn your awful drink into blissful berry flavors. If light drinks don’t work for you, then go to CalorieKing.com and select your alcoholic beverage–and it calculates the physical activity that will burn it off! For example, to burn off one Pabst Blue Ribbon, I’d have to do any of the following:

  • 31 mins of walking
  • 13 mins of jogging
  • 9 mins of swimming
  • 17 mins of cycling

4. Coffee Drinks: Starbucks has a great Light Menu, which have the one-two punch of great flavor and loads of caffeine. My favorites are the Java Chip Light and the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce. Starbucks also offers a list of coffee drinks under 250 calories here.

5. When all else fails: Just resort back to leggings until you want to repeat steps 1-4!

So wish me luck! It’s going to be hard to trade my Snickers for Celery and my beloved Patrón for Green Tea :-o