INT.  LITTLE TONI'S PIZZA, NORTH HOLLYWOOD - NIGHT

A group of stunningly gorgeous people gather for a birthday party. Really - they shouldn't be allowed to look this good. Even in Hollywood.

The tables are drowning in pizza and red wine. An intense conversation is underway.

RACHEL: "It's DINK DINK."
GINA: "No it's not. It's more guttural. DUHNT DUHNT."
RACHEL: "No way. It's not that low."
GINA: "Look, I watch the damn show every day. I'm telling you, it's DUHNT DUHNT."
SEAN: "Gina's right."
RACHEL: "Oh who cares anyway! It's a stupid sound effect."
GINA: "STUPID SOUND EFFECT?! Are you kidding me?! It starts the whole show! It's, like, the most important sound effect on TV!"

Suddenly, the doors of the restaurant burst open. Three men charge in, wielding big guns. They're wearing g-strings over their heads to conceal their identities.

MAN #1: "There he is!"

The men make their way to the back of the restaurant, where the birthday partiers are gathered. At an isolated table, a random Italian man reaches into his boot and pulls out a big gun of his own. He aims it at the three intruders.

RANDOM ITALIAN MAN: (Not fooled by the g-string) "You'll never take me alive, Frankie!"

An old-fashioned mobster shoot-out ensues. Bullets fly. Patrons duck under tables. Pizza splatters against the walls. Glasses explode. The intruders empty their guns. Then, as quickly as they entered the restaurant, they're gone.

The dust clears. Random Italian man survives. But one of the birthday revelers isn't quite so lucky...

 

DUHNT DUHNT!

Dear Dick Wolf:

Psych! I wasn't really taken out by the mob. I accidentally spilled a glass of wine on myself and my friend photoshopped the bullet hole. I make a pretty great dead person, don't I?? If you ever want me to play a dead person on Law & Order, I'm totally up for it. I'll consider it my foot in the door.

And in case you're still concerned, here I am alive:

See? Nothing to worry about! 

Although I doubt I'll ever get that stain out. If you have any tips, please let me know. I'm way past the point of club soda.

Thank you. Amen.